Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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