I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize