I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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