The maid of honor just puked.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Randomize
