yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
