tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
