dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
