What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
