I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i came on her dog
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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