have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
