OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
