I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I think my vagina is haunted
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
