there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
