i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
