so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize