I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
