I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
