Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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