Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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