Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
handjob tips. give me some.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
