Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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