there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
