There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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