yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
