I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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