Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
