I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
