My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
