i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize