Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
