I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
