that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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