My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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