Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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