Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
