I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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