yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
