I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
