The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
