I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
