I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
