This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
