The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
