My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
