Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
