i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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