Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
