I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
