You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
