Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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