Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
