More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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