There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
