Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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