Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
