Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize