he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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